Coping Skills
Something we all probably need! It is not abnormal for kids to have impulse control issues and emotional regulation challenges. Sometimes our kids act like little adults, and it makes it easy to forget that they aren’t little adults. Even neurotypical kids can have meltdowns, crying episodes, or outbursts from time to time. Kids brains literally aren’t ready to regulate their emotions all of the time.
It’s also important to keep in mind that we all have challenges regulating our emotions at times. As adults, we tend to have the flexibility to modify our day to “go easy” on ourselves or access our self-management tools. Kids often don’t have the same flexibility because their days are planned by someone else. My 7 year old always says he can’t wait to be an adult because adults get to do whatever they want. If only he knew!!
We expect that 2, 3, 4 year olds have “meltdowns” or “tantrums”. It can often feel surprising or “wrong” for a 6, 7, 8 year old to melt down because their dinner got cold. And exhausting… you survived the terrible 2’s and a threenager, no one has a name for a 6 year old who is tired and hungry!
So how do you handle this, whether your child is neurotypical, highly sensitive, ADHD, or any number of other needs going on?
Teach Emotion Recognition: Before you can understand how to manage emotions, you have to know what emotions are. It’s surprising how few kids feel comfortable talking about emotions, and how few kids fully understand emotions, especially a nuance between “mad” and “frustrated” or “happy” and “calm”.
Start with labeling emotions during common times — happy, sad, angry, surprised, loved, calm, brave, worried. You can label your emotions, or talk about what clues make you think your child is feeling a certain way. If they correct you (e.g. you say “You look happy!” and they say “I’m feeling worried right now”), accept that. They may show worry in a way that’s different from how you show worry. It will help you learn to read their emotions more effectively.
Get comfortable talking about emotions — after tough moments, debrief. Talk about what you saw and what you think they were feeling. Solicit their opinion and validate their experience. Often times, kids will try to change the subject, and that’s okay too. Don’t force it, but encourage it.
When you see your child more easily talking about emotions, challenges or their feelings, start talking about how their body may feel. You can do different activities to bring awareness to body changes:
Do quick aerobic activity (e.g. 30 jumping jacks) — how does your heart feel? Does it remind you of how your body feels when you’re angry or upset?
Hold something warm to get sweaty palms — that may be familiar with how you feel when you are nervous or brave
Bringing awareness to the body allows you and your child to start to recognize physiological changes that lead to meltdowns. Do their shoulders tense up? You can recognize that and bring awareness to it. If you can intervene before your child reaching their breaking point, you can often de-escalate and prevent a meltdown from happening.
Teaching Coping Skills: you have to figure out what works for your child. I always recommend trying to find something they can do with their body that does not require an additional item. That way it’s always accessible. Some options are:
Deep breathing
Exercises such as stretching
Counting
Singing or humming
Closing their eyes
Putting their hands in their pockets to bring body awareness and control
It’s trial and error, honestly, and you have to practice outside of meltdowns. Think about how you would feel if you’re crying hysterically and someone is going, “COUNT TO 10!! COUNT TO 10!!” probably not great. Find something your child is willing to practice a couple of times a day, and work together to come up with a communication system so you can coach them through retrieving that skill when it’s needed. For my 7 year old, when I start seeing those warning signs, I will literally go, “COPING MECHANISMS!!” from across a room and he will put his hands in his pockets and go “hee-hoo hee-hoo” which makes him laugh and relieves tension. But now he also gets to that point less and less.
Resources:
In my work, I modify a curriculum by Diane Alber, which you can find on her website: www.dianealber.com. It provides concrete ways to teach emotions, and social thinking.
I highly recommend the app Mightier. Your child wears a heart rate monitor that is connected to the games on the app. When their heart rate increases, they have to re-regulate their body to continue to play the games. Biofeedback is pretty amazing, and it teaches kids that they have control over how their body is regulated. They have some research to support it’s efficacy, and as a bonus, it feels like a double parenting win. They are using a device to learn emotional regulation but they think they are just playing games!
** We are not paid by or affiliated with either resource. Our recommendations are made completely independently **
A final word that simply showing up for your child in those tough moments can go a very long way. Not saying anything, but being there and being present is powerful. If you don’t know what to do or say, sit and listen. You can simply say “I’m here for you”. Those are moments where you are co-regulating and your child is learning what it feels like when they calm down. They are learning that someone respects their emotions and allows them to exist. Often times, that reduces emotional outbursts all on it’s own because it creates psychological safety.
If you need more support, please contact us today to schedule an initial consultation! We can work with you, your child and their school to improve emotional regulation skills, and improve their relationships!
