Igor, the get out of the house fairy
OK, let’s rip this band-aid with a personal application of ABA.
Spring 2021 — after a year of not having to get out of the house to go anywhere, we’d all forgotten how to do it. It was excruciating and I was starting to prepare 30-45 minutes in advance to go anywhere. On the off-chance both kids were ready to go quickly, we would have 30 minutes to kill, and they would inevitably be annoyed at me for rushing them only to wait. Which would make everyone slower next time. UGH what a vicious cycle!! This process was draining all of my energy, which also meant I was more likely to yell, less likely to be fun and much much more stressed out.
Sometimes addressing one pain point can have huge impacts for the rest of our relationship, mood and self-control.
I sat the kids down and said, “Look, we’re not used to having to be out of the house by a certain time anymore, but what we’re doing right now isn’t working. I end up yelling, and everyone ends up upset, and it just takes waaaay too much time that we could all be doing more fun things. Let’s make it a challenge. Can we work together to get out of the house quickly??”
I came up with the strategy, but gave them a say in:
How much time we had to get out of the house (ultimately we settled on 8 minutes)
Where we set a timer (Google home!)
What we get if we do it (A smiley face on a piece of paper)
It was a team effort — involving your kids in the change creates investment and makes them more likely to feel bought into it. Which means that it’s more likely to be successful.
The first week, it went GREAT. We were getting out of the house so quickly that my older son suggested something called differential reinforcement. Differential reinforcement is providing more reinforcement for higher quality responses, in the super ABA jargon-y speak. Basically, the better we do, the more we get — 2 smiley faces for getting out of the door in 4 minutes and 3 if we get out in 2 minutes.
It started to backslide after about 3 weeks i.e. the honeymoon phase was over and smiley faces just aren’t that exciting. Now what??
In more conventional ABA, things like smiley faces or “tokens” usually get traded in for something bigger and more exciting. The tokens serve as a marker so you don’t have to give the big prize constantly. Looks like I need something bigger and more exciting…
In comes Igor, the get out of the house fairy. We have a tooth fairy and Santa Claus and an Easter Bunny, let’s not limit the imagination! Igor wrote us a note saying we were doing a great job, and with 8 more smiley faces, he would leave us a surprise. Conveniently, Igor liked to shop local, and got us all gift certificates for ice cream at the local ice cream shop. Boom, the next few days were blissful. My older son even wrote Igor a note thanking him and asking if he would come visit during the day.
Over the next few months, we did different variations of this — we’ve gotten thumbs ups instead of smiley faces, we’ve gotten sad faces if we don’t make it in time, and have used lots of different types of timers. Igor has brought us gift cards to the local bookstore, bakery and ramen place. Most recently, Igor brought us a custom art caddy with a picture of us on it.
Currently, we are not doing anything - after Christmas and COVID quarantine 2.0, I have tried not using the smiley faces. We’re still using the timer, and most days we get out of the house within 30 seconds of the timer beeping, so 8:30 is still better than 30-45 min. The ultimate goal of interventions like this is not to use it forever, but to stop or fade it out over time, and still have the impacts. It’s been enormously successful —
I am no longer yelling.
I am no longer spending 30-45 min trying to plead with the kids to get out of the house - I have that time back.
For my own anxiety (yes, this is not just about the kids) I have a clock that gives me a better clue of how long it’ll take to get ready — It grounds me in reality and not in my fast-moving thoughts.
The kids aren’t frustrated that I’m making them leave too early.
We all have increased accountability to each other because we’re working as a team.
We have had many more positive moments getting out of the house where we do it super fast, or super silly, or I pretend to be the kid etc.
The kids have increased their independence and cooperation with each other. Nothing warms my heart faster than watching my older son put on my little one’s shoes, or my little one finding my older son’s watch.
What can you take away from this? Small changes can have big impacts. Unsure where to start?
Consider the biggest source of stress in your family dynamic. Dinnertime? Homework? Going to bed? Most of the time, it’s “have-tos”
Think about how you can add a little extra motivation to get over the hump of starting that activity. Tickles? Racing to bed? Providing choice in the way the activity progresses (“which homework do you want to start with?”)
TALK TO YOUR KIDS. I can’t stress this enough — having an open conversation about the negative feelings you have and desire to work together goes a long way. It’s validating for them to hear that that time of day is hard for you too, or that you feel that source of stress. They may also surprise you and come up with ideas too to make it more enjoyable.
Come up with a plan. Keep it simple — you don’t have to shoot for the moon here. Having some type of “chart” (mine was literally a blank piece of paper with smiley faces) and icon to keep track of progress is enormously helpful. Maybe you like those thermometers that you fill in every time you get closer to your goal. Or maybe a penny jar, or a graph. The possibilities are endless and unique to your family.
Celebrate the wins! Be enthusiastic! Think about what you see teams doing when they get a point, score a goal etc. You scored a goal!! Great job team!
Minimize the losses. Bedtime doesn’t go as planned one night? That’s okay, move past it. Behavior goes where reinforcement flows. The more attention you give to the hiccups, the more attention the hiccups demand. Acknowledging it was hard and moving on is best.
Make changes when you see fatigue set in — small tweaks help keep interest alive. Also, just because it’s not as great as it was to start, doesn’t mean it’s not working overall, and doesn’t mean you should throw in the towel.
Change can be challenging, but it can also make things easier and smoother in the long run. Sometimes it feels insurmountable to shift your whole mindset or approach, and picking one small space to start can go a long way in the rest of your family dynamic. Good luck!!
